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We took a very special family picture on Friday to commemorate our Baby Blaise’s EDD 2016 <3#nothingbutlove
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*happy babywearing*
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The force is strong with this one!
Babywearing Star Wars fans will instantly recognize PAXbaby’s ode to BB8!! This iconic color palette can only be one droid, and now YOU can enjoy your own #disneybound wrap as well! PAXmommy Jillian has been wearing her BB8 for a few months now, but she’s ready to share! Stalking can start NOW!!!
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http://shop.paxbaby.com/ohana-wovens/

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http://shop.paxbaby.com/paxexclusive-girasol-bb8/

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Created for PAXmommy Jillian and her Baby 8 who was born much too early in May 2016, this beautiful wrap signifies so much more than a Star Wars character, but BB8 holds a special place in our hearts as the nickname for our wee Baby Blaise! Designed and woven originally by Ohana Wovens in the USA, you can wrap your baby in a PAXexclusive BB8 Girasol by committing to our pre order, being patient, and babywearing to your Star Wars lover’s content once our order arrives from Girasol’s looms! These are your Girasol pre-order options which include wraps in sizes 2-8, yardage, or Girasol ring slings all woven by hand by Girasol in twill weave and black weft! This is an amazing opportunity to own an Ohana design woven by Girasol!

There is a BB8 for everyone; PAXbaby, you’re my only hope! This beautiful design is exclusive to PAXbaby and Ohana Handwovens and available as a Girasol ONLY with PAXbaby,com, your #disneybound babywearing headquarters!

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*happy babywearing*
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The mastermind and artist behind the sewing machine is Edit who has carefully crafted hundreds and thousands of baby carriers over her years in business. Join the very few babywearers who have been able to wear their baby in a PAXexclusive Bamberoo which feature one of our very special woven wraps, designed and created specially for PAXbaby.com and brought to life by Bamberoo. It is with greatest pleasure that we accept your ISO requests for this gorgeous array of buckle carriers, and with even more glee that PAXbaby’s ISO Angel will fly tonight, choosing lucky winners to purchase our beautiful buckle carriers and wear their baby happily ever after in an almost one of a kind hand sewn masterpiece!!!

No need to have the fastest fingers, no need to refresh all the live long day! By  filling out the form below between 11:00am and 3:00 pm PST Tuesday November 8th; this enters you into our ISO Angel stocking, which is a random draw to select a winner to purchase. You can choose exactly which carrier you’d like to buy if given the chance or you can let us choose one for you!
Have fun and don’t forget that all this is in the name of good babywearing fun!

Good luck!
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*happy babywearing*
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***Please take caution when reading this heartfelt post; you may be triggered if you have been affected by pregnancy loss.
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Now that you have tried to make a baby, there’s the endless two week wait while you wrestle with the inner turmoil and emotional personal disputes not limited to “was now the right time?” “should we have waited?” “am I ready?” “are WE ready?” “what will I do if we are pregnant?” “what will I do if we’re NOT pregnant.” For me, having lost our eighth baby in May but knowing for 21 days before I started bleeding that the early birth was imminent, my current wait for my period to start is causing PTSD style flashbacks. A few months ago I was hanging onto each moment with my baby and trying not to lose my mind in grief. Here I am today, hoping for the best, but expecting nothing, and reliving each day of my loss while I carefully check my toilet paper (ok, you got me! family cloth!) for a trace of blood or ANY clue as to why I am now 2 days late without a positive on my pregnancy tests. Speaking of which, I ordered a stack of 100 cheapies from Amazon when we decided that September would be our first TRY month! I love the cheap sticks because I can pee away without worrying about the money; I limited myself to 1 a day but quickly progressed to 2. Given the fact that I am crying at the latest episode of This Is Us, craving eggs (I’m a VEGAN!), and I suddenly think that coffee tastes gross, I want to believe that I am pregnant and my HCG levels just aren’t caught up yet. But on the other hand, I have become a public crier since losing my Blaise in May, my friend Guin has been hooking us up with amazing happy eggs from her backyard chickens, and at PAXretreat I was treated to amazing cappuccino every day so ordinary coffee is kind of gross in comparison. So maybe these aren’t symptoms as much as they are just part of being me.

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The thoughts that go through my mind every time I step into the bathroom to pee on ANOTHER stick are :
You just bribed your other kids to stay downstairs with some gluten free cookies and a science based show on Netflix so that you could go in the bathroom and cry. This is a new low.

You can’t even go to the bathroom without at least one child sitting in your lap. How will you fit your belly in here too??

If you pee on your hand one more time while aiming for the pee stick….

And my personal favorite, your baby is finally sleeping through the night and 100% potty trained except the occasional accident. WHY ON EARTH would you want to start all over?

But the thoughts that go through my mind each time I pee on another stick and see that negative sticking its tongue out at me are :
You have peed on 10 sticks in the last 3 days; just wait and see.

You are the most impatient person I know.

You need to drink more water; your pee isn’t clear!

You need to calm down, and focus on the 7 little blessings waiting for you downstairs, covered with cookie crumbs and filled with new Science facts to share with you.

You need to accept with grace whatever happens this month.

Next month is another cycle, another chance for the baby that YOU KNOW you are meant to hold in your arms.

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But let me tell you, the wait is so stressful, and the associations I can give every odd event make my emotions swing wildly within minutes. I took 2 naps yesterday; I MUST be pregnant! I don’t feel like eating; I MUST NOT be pregnant! My breasts hurt; I MUST be pregnant! I have high highs and low lows like PMS; I MUST NOT be pregnant! My belly is sticking out even though I’m not eating much and exercising daily; I MUST be pregnant!

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Now add to this emotional rollercoaster the guilt that I feel for closing the story of my 8th baby, and wanting to try again for #9. Did I give her tiny life enough respect. Have I taught the kids well that though they never got to meet their baby sister, she counts as one of their siblings. Was I a good enough mom to my Blaise during our 15 weeks together.  Am I ready to share my love with someone new.  Am I ready to be pregnant again, count the weeks again, and hold my breath until we pass that 15 week mark when I gave birth last. Will my body be ready in 36ish weeks to be healthy, and my mind to be whole and focused and not remembering the pain and suffering that a year beforehand brought me to my hardest birth. Can I give a new baby the grace to not replace my Blaise, but to be another love of my life, not detracting from my previous experience, but adding a new bud to the beautiful bouquet of lives, deaths, and memories that I hold in my heart.
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Am I strong enough? Am I mom enough? Time will tell.
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As September moved on through the month, my anxiety got worse and worse! My children hadn’t even started their first week of school, and some of our friends have been back for weeks already! How would we ever catch up? How would we be able to take any breaks? How could we fit it all in? The night before school started, I took a deep breath, and realized…. even if we had started in July, put in long days, and not taken any holidays, there is no way for any teacher to impart ALL the information that they would want to their students. It’s simply not feasible! So instead, I made a list of what I really really really want to focus on this year; maybe next year a different set of skills will seem most important!

This school year, my main goal is to maintain a loving atmosphere of peace and acceptance. A place where anyone can say anything, and the rest of the group will respect the opinions held, the words written, and the feelings expressed. This includes my own, as one of the guiding adults! It’s a whole new world this year in our classroom which was converted from our formal living area in our two story house; for the first ever, I am a contributing homeschool teacher, while PAXdaddy Aaron explores the realm of balancing a part time job with his homeschool teacher role as well. Dehesa Charter School hosts our homeschool education providing funding, support, and on Tuesdays, a slew of fun classes for the kids to attend. While we have been enrolled for 6 years now, Aaron hasn’t used his teaching credential and Masters in Education since 2004 when he last taught elementary school in Santa Barbara. When we encountered the opportunity for him to teach this year, we both agreed it would be a wonderful adventure and so, I juggled my full time work schedule to accommodate teaching a full 5 hours 5 days a week. No matter how hard we thought our juggle was previously, it was NOTHING compared to our new schedule!

I’m so proud to say that even my own mom, PAXmommy Catherine, has joined our teaching team. The last time she taught in a classroom setting was my own homeschooling education, and it’s a fun last from the past for her to work with her grandkids on the most important years of their childhoods! I recruited her when I realized how hard this year was going to be for both Aaron and I, and she will be teaching a variety of topics including a read aloud book, nature study, and helping the children expand their creative writing skills 2 hours 3 days a week! It’s going to be an epic year for all of us!!!!

Charlotte Mason has provided the basis for our teaching methodology, but we dabble in Montessori and Waldorf learning with a high interest in Classical Conversations. Now that I’ve name dropped my 4 favorite and widely varied learning styles, you can google to explore which each one can contribute to a homeschool classroom of seven children ranging from an 8th grader down to pesky preschooler! Wheeeeew… no wonder I’m exhausted!!! PAXdaddy Aaron and I are being asked what curriculum we use, but we are dabbling with a few different companies including BOB books, Catholic Heritage, Meet the Masters, Thinkwell, Saxon, Cherrydale Press, and more! Charlotte Mason has a compelling argument for learning directly from “living books,” and since we are a literary family, this suits us all quite well.

It’s a strange situation for a long time, experienced teacher like Aaron to be sharing the classroom with such a novice as myself, but I am hoping that my brand new enthusiasm will mesh well with his logical knowledge and provide our family an exciting, fun, inspired year. Here’s to hoping that your children’s school experiences are also filled with the light shed from the lightbulbs lit and connections made each and every day!

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*happy learning*

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Our newest adventure in #readaloudrevival is Roald Dahl’s The BFG in which the Giants drink an amazing beverage called Frobscottle.  I challenged each of the kids to design their own magical elixir! The results were varied, but everyone stated that their concoction was “rare!” Some were tasty, some not, and three of them had the magical ability to fill you up for the whole day; wouldn’t that come in handy! My focus with the older kids this year is GRAMMAR, so they each wrote a paragraph about their imaginary beverage. This challenged a couple of them to think outside their usual “box,” and drew out the sillies from the others who love to get creative in their writing! I love watching their vocabulary improving daily as well as their use of interesting sentence structure!
#homeschool #homeschooling #learnathome #secondgenerationhomeschooler

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*happy babywearing*
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“This should be my belly right now. I know five babies was not in our “plan” but now that #5 is no longer here, the pain of the loss runs deep. I never knew how much miscarriage can mess with your hormones, your mind, your heart. I should be prepping tiny diapers and finishing last minute quilts and blankies right now. Instead, I’m packing up the last of Baby #4’s diapers knowing there will never be another little baby here again. If anything, this experience has given me way more empathy to others going through the same thing. “It’s probably for the best.” And “be thankful for the kids you have” are not comforting … The grief is real, whether the baby was planned or not. The hormone fluctuation is real, and can make you feel off the wall. I know it is not my fault but the guilt of having four healthy, easy pregnancies and then a loss, is real. What went wrong with this one? I compare my loss to others, and think, “Ok, you need to suck it up – other people have been through WAY worse.” “At least it wasn’t _____” But, I need to allow myself sadness, time to grieve. My loss was real. It may be different, but it is still real.

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I’m a huge bookworm, but I don’t have much time for pleasure reading. What I do make sure to have time for is to read aloud to my littles.  A favorite activity in my house is to all snuggle in my bed – queen size! – and listen to mama read aloud. Picture books, chapter books, bring on the books, we read them all! Because of this family habit, it is my belief that my children will grow up to love books as much as I do, and that makes me very happy.As the new school year approaches, we’ve been discussing the addition of a few new To Do’s for the older kids to keeep life spinning smoothly during our school day. One of Lucy’s new chores will be the wonderful task of setting up our mantle in a delightful library style; I chose a few topics for September and compiled a book list for each one. The books we don’t have will be fetched from the library, or ordered from amazon thanks to school funding! I’ve also asked her to augment the arrangement with props and decorations!

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Where has babywearing taken you this Summer??

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*happy babywearing*

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I’m feeling especially grateful tonight for friends near and far who’ve held my hand, rubbed my back, and taught me how to put one foot in front of the other again!
It’s been 3 months since I was pregnant last, and not a day goes by without thinking of my Blaise but knowing that you all are thinking of my baby too makes me feel better.
Thank you <3

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*happy babywearing*

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When I was miscarrying our eighth baby, breastfeeding helped my body & hormones regulate. By this point in my pregnancy, my milk was drying up quickly, but #toddlercate was happy to nurse and help her mama feel better!
#oxytocin #happybreastfeedingweek2016

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*happy babywearing*

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Certainly not based on the size of a placenta, but in my case, it’s all I have left of my baby. 15 weeks in my belly, 8 weeks in heaven; my heart will never be whole again but I wouldn’t give back this time for the world.

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#paxbaby #paxmama #paxmommy #pregnancyloss #pregnancy #placentaprint #imissmybaby #bb8 #justonemorebabyd #happybutsad

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PAXmommy Jillian’s house has the BEST wrap scrap pillows!!! <3
How have you used wrap scraps in YOUR decor??

Need wrap scrap by the inch??? We have you covered!

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http://shop.paxbaby.com/paxscrap-by-the-inch/

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*happy babywearing*

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Sense of humor

My husband and I have heard every “joke” in the book about the size of our family, and the only purpose that the negative comments serve is to reinforce why our world needs gentle refocusing on what’s truly important. Do we know what causes this? Yes, shall I explain it to you? Do we own a TV? Yes, although we rarely watch it. Do we plan on having more children? Yes, God willing! Are we millionaires to afford our family? No, we live frugally within our means. How will we send each child to college? We don’t plan to, but each child may choose to attend continuing education classes if they so desire. How do we do it? Juggling, it’s ALL about the juggling! 

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To those who envisioned their life differently. In a different location perhaps. In a different state of mind. In a different physical body.

To all those who were wishing and hoping but your wishes and hopes didn’t come true or fell through or were forgotten while tending to others’ needs and wants.

To all those have been counting on being, having, feeling, doing something different in some way, in any way.

Standing over here, looking into your every day, I can’t see the full picture; I can’t explain why or what or how or when.

Standing over here, looking into your every day, I only see my own reflection, mirrored in the quiet sorrow in your eyes as you play sweetly with your children. My own reflection caught as still as a photograph, doing a mundane task, tears streaming down your face as you take a moment to grieve alone. My own reflection, a twin to your own emptiness, a twin to your own void, a twin to your own infinite pit of abject sorrow and intense anger. What have you lost? A lost world, a lost soul, a lost life, a lost year, a lost month, week, day, hour, minute…. LOST.

Today I sit poolside, sipping my lemon water, listening to the palm trees sway in the wind and in this quiet moment by myself I am allowed to imagine how this day would have should have could have been. A round belly protruding over my bikini bottom instead of post partum love handles. A blissful list of baby names rotating through my head.  A proud expression on my face as someone asks me how many children I have. “8!” I could have said while rubbing my tummy happily.  What a lovely moment spent thinking about my would have should have could have, and then… my children are here and fill the space with shouting, laughing, crying, splashing, eating, jumping, swimming, being, and my thoughts are turned again to focus on the here and now. The reality in front of me. Tangible, incredible, magical, these small beings who fill my every minute with themselves. How well they keep my mind occupied to have these thoughts often, and and how well they keep me too busy to stand and look into your every day, but believe me, I feel your sadness and recognize your hurt. Your life, like mine, will continue. Your world, like mine, will slowly begin to spin again. You will wonder how it is that you’re back in the swing of things, back in the saddle, and back on the road; you will wonder how it is that your life has been so changed and yet, that’s okay. It’s just DIFFERENT.

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*happy babywearing*

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Double Rainbow is ALWAYS a classic.

Created for PAXmommy Jillian’s Baby #6, Declan, Double Rainbow has since snuggled many-a-PAXbaby! <3
Do you have a fave RR photo??

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*happy babywearing*

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Look who went under the sea last night at The Little Mermaid at the Hollywood Bowl!!

DO you cosplay??

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*happy babywearing*

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*graphic birth story*
Yesterday morning I finished Blaise’s pregnancy with the intense birth of my placenta.

What I endured last Saturday in San Diego was the birthing of our baby’s sac and cord. It was deflated and withered just like the ultrasound had shown, but I had assumed that the large blood clots and small bits of tissue that came out that day as well was all the placenta we would be able to see since development stopped so many weeks earlier. May 21 will be considered to be Blaise’s birthday since her sac was born the day of May’s Blue Moon.

After the PAXplaydate on May 25, I came home in a lot of pain but chalked it up to having had too much activity. Within a few hours I realized that this pain was not just cramping but very real, very intense birthing contractions about 4 minutes apart and spiking with gushes of blood. I let the PAXmoms know I wouldn’t be able to continue working that night, and Aaron helped me out of my bed into the bathroom because I was losing so much blood. For the next 4 hours I labored; this was one of my most challenging births physically, and definitely my hardest mentally, not knowing what exactly to expect and then also understanding that at the end of all the pain, I would not have a precious baby to hold and “make it all better!” Aaron called our midwife and doula at around 2 in the morning, but we ended up having an unassisted home birth of the placenta at 2:30. It seemed as though the placenta continued to grow even when our baby hadn’t been, so it was quite sizable at 14 weeks 6 days old. Our midwife was very concerned about the amount of blood I had lost and afterwards when I was dizzy and feeling nauseous, we decided that “bedrest” through the weekend would be best. Replenishing my body with iron rich foods would help build back up my platelets, so here I am back in bed, processing my full birth experience and grieving the baby that will never be here in my arms.

A wonderful local friend is photographing our placenta and making a print to frame, then it will be buried alongside Blaise’s sac and cord under our beautiful magnolia tree. Over the last few weeks, you have all shown us so much love and support; I appreciate it more than you know. It has been extremely healing for me to be able to share Blaise’s short but powerful life with you, and hearing your lost babies’ stories has helped too! Thank you, friends; much love to each of you as I recover from being ?#?pregnantnotpregnant? <3

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Our sweet family buried a tiny placenta this afternoon; Baby Blaise will be remembered by this beautiful Magnolia tree and the prayers said this afternoon by each of her family members. We have loved and will continue to love our 8th baby forever and ever and are so grateful that she has known nothing but love heart emoticon
#JustOneMoreBabyD aka BB8

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*happy babywearing*

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