PAXmommy Lynelle’s Story

Miscarriage. What a scary word! Isn’t that a BAD word?? Up there with the F- word? But it’s more than just a word for 1 in every 4 women. It’s something nightmares are made of. It’s something unexpected, yet heart wrenching. It’s such a powerful word, yet it is rarely discussed openly as something that happens. It’s also something that no one expects to happen to them, until it does. A word that makes the F- word a frequently used one.

Here is my story about that scary word.

My name is Lynelle Stanley and I am a 25 year old mom to a beautiful 2.5 year old girl, Elisa. I am also a second grade teacher at a dual immersion elementary school in South Bay. I have a fabulous husband, Thomas, and we were so scared, yet excited to find out we were going to be welcoming our second baby to our family in November 2014. I took that first positive pregnancy test on March 17th, 2014. It really was a day for celebration!

Let me start my journey with a little background. My husband and I got pregnant the month after getting off birth control with Baby #1. Obviously, this was a surprise, as we were told there’s no way it would happen that fast! I had such an easy and healthy pregnancy! My baby girl arrived 15 days after her due date. I had a totally “normal” and healthy pregnancy and delivery. My labor was completely unmedicated and without complications.

Fast forward to finding out I’m pregnant with #2!! Being the Type A person that I am, I began purchasing the few things we would need for a newborn. Heck, these were the things I was EXCITED to purchase for our new baby!! I bought newborn diapers (OMG, they are so cute!), I bought a baby swing, and I also bought quite a few new wraps. I was beyond excited to hold my sweet new baby and wrap him or her in love.

I experienced the same symptoms as I did with my first pregnancy: fatigue, heartburn, and the beginning of a baby bump! I was ecstatic to dodge the morning sickness again!!

Shortly after finding out we were expecting baby #2, I interviewed a few different midwives. I decided on a fabulous midwife who I knew was on my same wave length and lovingly ready to help us welcome our new baby into loving arms. All I wanted was to bring my sweet baby into my home with the people I loved most.

All of this excitement came crashing down on Tuesday, April 29th. I went to bed after seeing the smallest amount of dark blood when I wiped. I didn’t think much of it, as this is totally normal in pregnancy, but I still couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy. The next morning, when I woke up, I ran to the bathroom, there was red. Not just brown, but RED. I began to shake. Of course I was scared! But I had heard that about 20% of pregnancies have some bleeding around this time, so maybe everything was just fine! I did what any normal person would do: frantically called my midwife, my obstetrician, urgent care, my mother, my husband… EVERYONE who might have some insight! It was 8am, so, of course, the first person I got ahold of was my OB/Gyn on her after-hours line. She told me everything was probably fine, but that I should get in for an ultrasound as soon as possible.

The ultrasound facility didn’t open until 9am. This was the longest hour EVER. I am still beyond thankful that the receptionist was able to squeeze me in at 10:30am. Of course, I didn’t go to work that day; there was nothing that could get me to go in to school. I got to the ultrasound facility 30 minutes early. They brought me right back…

I lifted up my shirt after a quick greeting from the ultrasound tech. We talked a bit about how my little girl was doing, as he was there with me through my journey with her. Using the external wand, he couldn’t find my uterus, which was expected, as my uterus is tipped (I already knew this, so it was no surprise). He got out the dreaded internal ultrasound. He found my uterus and the sac fairly quickly! However, there wasn’t a 9 week+4 day fetus, which is what I expected to see. He actually couldn’t find anything in the sac for some time! Finally, there it was! A… little ball. I knew that wasn’t right. He checked it out for some time, starting off by saying how sorry he was. This wasn’t real. No way. This doesn’t happen to ME.

“OH! Wait! There’s a heartbeat! Do you see it? It looks like you’re still in the game! But the baby is measuring at 5 weeks+5 days”

OMG. Well, that was scary. But I KNEW that’s not the right size. I should be able to see a little BABY and not a marble! We went over my dates again; however, I KNEW my dates were right. Well, maybe the pregnancy I thought we were working with was a chemical pregnancy and I got pregnant right after?? I mean, this baby IS 4 weeks smaller than expected… but I knew that was the best case scenario.

He printed out a picture of my little marble, writing “BABY!!” above it. There’s hope. Everything will be okay… right?!?!

My doctor called me and told me what she expected would happen, and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It was crushing. She told me I would most likely begin the miscarriage process shortly. Of course, I still was holding on to that little heartbeat I saw. I kept my chin up and told myself, “my baby is alive TODAY.”

Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for me to realize that my baby wasn’t going to be okay. The next day, Wednesday, I began bleeding fairly heavily. I KNEW what that meant. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me. THIS was the beginning of my grieving. Silly me, I tried to go to work. HA! I made it one hour with my kids before I went to my boss and told her I had to leave. NOW. I cried alone in my classroom until I could pull it together enough to walk to my car. The only feeling I felt at this time was grief. All I could think was: I’m losing my baby. This was MY baby, no matter how small, and I will never get to meet him or her. I cried like it was the end of the world. I felt like it was. Everything has come crashing down and I didn’t know what to do! This doesn’t happen to people like me!! But it did…

The rest of Wednesday was a blur. I went in for my Rhogam shot on Thursday. That’s all I remember. Was there even a Friday that week?? The bleeding was starting to lighten and a good friend took me to the spa for a massage. THIS is what I needed. Except it did something to me: it gave me time to think.

I feel like I’ve gone through more grieving than anyone should have to endure. But now I started feeling more… what, exactly?? It’s hard to pinpoint. The best I can say is: anger, frustration, more anger, confusion, even more anger, isolation, and, you guessed it, anger.

I was confused and frustrated because I didn’t understand how or why this happened! What did I do wrong? I thought this only happened to women with fertility issues. Did I eat something wrong? Did I drink something I shouldn’t have? Did I accidentally bump my bump? What did *I* do???

I felt so isolated because this doesn’t just happen. BUT IT DOES! I didn’t know that, though. Until I started sharing my story. It happens to 1 in every 4 women. That’s HUGE! Why didn’t I know this?

The most overwhelming feeling? ANGER! Pure rage. Fury. Every other synonym for ‘anger’ you can think of. I felt this because I wanted this little baby SO BAD. This was MY baby who was unable, for whatever reason, to make it to my arms. So many people get pregnant and have babies EVERY DAY and either don’t want them or can’t care for them. But here I am, wanting this baby with every fiber of my being. WHY!? Why does this happen?? I found myself at Target, walking the aisles while in a haze. Every baby I saw made me tear up. I even saw a pregnant woman there. She was the cutest pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. She looked so happy as she walked out of the store with baby items. I wanted to throw something at her. Why was she so happy and I am in such despair?? IT’S NOT FAIR!

Ahhh…Sunday morning came and I thought I was at the tail end of the despair. I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom. As I pulled my pants down, a baseball size clot fell out. My bottoms were soaked. The pain was so intense that it rivaled the feeling of being in labor with my first baby. This wasn’t right. I called my mom and had her rush me to the Emergency Room. Yeah, it was that bad.

My OB/Gyn wasn’t the doctor on call and I wasn’t getting a call back from the doctor that was on call. It was too late, though. I was half way to the ER before I got a call back (a full hour after calling in a panic). She told me if I was really in that much pain, I could go in if I wanted. UGH! YES! I’m in pain. On so many levels! Physically and emotionally!

The ER staff saw the pain I was in and got me right back. I was asked to take my bottoms off. As I pulled my PJ pants off, I was greeted with the feeling of another huge clot plopping into my underwear. I freaked. No one was in the room. Just my mom. I began screaming, “What do I do?!?!” 3 nurses ran in and helped me figure out how to take off my pants. My underwear were trashed.

The nurses needed to get an IV drip going with pain meds. Yes, I tend to call myself a naturalist, but this was just CRUEL. I needed the relief. I sat on a bed in the ER with huge clots spilling out. There was no use for underwear or a pad, as I was soaking through both in minutes. Once the pain was under control (kind of), I was transferred up to Labor and Delivery. My doctor was there (thank goodness), and screaming at the staff because I was sitting in the ER for so long. How did she beat me up to L&D!?!

She checked me and I was dilated to 2-3 cm. I needed a D&C (well, minus the D, as I was already dilated). Here is the point where I wanted to use that F- word. The same nurse I DREADED while in labor with by first baby, walked in as my nurse for the surgery. I just didn’t have the energy to fight it.

I was rushed in to the OR while still in a haze. At least the pain was manageable at this point…. Then I woke up. I knew the worst of it was over. Or was it??

The worst of the physical pain was over, but not the emotional pain. How could I heal myself? Can I even do that? I just want my baby back!!! I want to go back in time, when I was so excited to have my sweet baby in my belly. The best way I know to heal myself is to talk. Yes, I could talk to my friends about it. I could talk to my husband. But all I want to do is tell whoever will listen.

Miscarriages happen. They SUCK. The feelings are real, but they’re okay and normal to feel.

Maybe I’ll feel less angry at the universe as time goes on. Maybe not. At least I know that these feelings are normal and it’s okay to feel.

One thing is for sure, I will never forget my sweet baby, whom I never got to meet, but I still love with all of my heart. Born May 4, 2014.

16 thoughts on “PAXmommy Lynelle’s Story

  1. Lynelle, sorry for your loss. It is so tragic! No one dares to emotionally address this issue. It is so sensitive. I know first hand unfortunately. I hope you are well and your husband is understanding and supportive <3 My first MC my hubby didn't comprehend my grief. It wasn't until a later term MC that he understood. Many blessings to you for sharing your personal grief. My Best <3

  2. I am so so sorry for your loss :( Two of my losses have been nearly identical to yours. Start spotting, go to the ER and have an ultrasound and baby is NOT measuring where it should be. 9 week 4 day and 11 week 3 day babies measuring around 5-6 weeks with heartbeats but still, like you said tiny marbles.

    Many people don’t understand whats going on when you start bawling at the sight of someone else’s baby or a pregnant woman. Or when you hear a baby crying in a public place and you think to yourself “PICK UP YOUR BABY, COMFORT YOUR BABY!!! YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE THAT BABY!! IF THAT BABY WAS MINE, IT WOULDNT BE CRYING LIKE THAT ALONE IN ITS STROLLER!” The grief and anger is overwhelming sometimes.

    Again, I am so so so sorry for your loss. I have had successful pregnancies with the use of progesterone until 14 weeks or so, so that may be something to look into. Without the progesterone my babies just do not grow like they should.

    Good luck sweet mama. Rest in peace sweet little angel. I am so sorry for your loss.

  3. Oh my gosh <3 thank you for writing this! I have suffered four loss on my journey to becoming a mom of three and it took me SO long to open up, to tell people the "you can try again" comments made me SO MAD! No one ever talks about the anger, the horrible life consuming anger in those first few weeks, months, years, it leads to guilt, depression, awfulness. Just, Thak you

  4. so sorry for your loss! I know words really can’t ease the suffering and your story brought me to tears now that I have a baby of my own I feel like these emotions hit me so much harder! I pray things start to get easier for you and that you are able to heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  5. Lynelle, hugs to you mama! Miscarriage is awful it truly is heartbreaking but I promise you that you will carry your little angel everywhere you go very close to your heart because that is your baby. Only time will heal but it doesn’t get easier love. You will get through this I promise and can only hope you find peace and your rainbow after the storm. Here is my story: hubby and I lived in Hawaii 3,000 miles away from family. We learned unexpectedly we were pregnant with baby number two we we’re ecstatic!! Do happy and my best friend at the time found out the same day she was pregnant as well. Two best friends, two new blessing, two of the same due dates. Seems too good to be true right? It was. All four of us ( her husband, her, me and mine) went to dinner to celebrate the good news of new life. I even got a card from them. “We are so excited for you guys, congratulations.” That same night at dinner u went to the bathroom to see something similar that you saw. I ran out of the bathroom and felt like I already knew I was sobbing uncontrollably. That night the pain worsened as if sat in a bathroom alone all night trying to make sense of why this was happening to me. The next day I went to thee ER and they confirmed my fears and I had to go my friends oldest daughters birthday party. I was no longer able to hold back my emotions I was no longer happy for her I was devastated. Life went on as usual work expected me not to feel heart or pain and I remained heartbroken. Hubby and I waited the suggested time frame before trying again. Pregnant right away! We were so happy once again to have the opportunity to love another baby I did everything I could to hang onto my baby I ate healthy, moderately exercised, cut out caffeine, took my prenatal pills. I did everything I could we almost made it to my first OB appointment and it happened again all over again my world crumbled around another piece of my heart had left with my baby. I begged for test from my OB but I got the standard answer: you have to have one more miscarriage in order to have testing done. One more miscarriage I thought? My heart couldn’t endure anymore pain I couldn’t lose another baby. These were my baby #2 and baby #3. The days went one and my husband were very careful lot to get pregnant almost a year went by and I had lost 40 lbs from working out so much. I became pregnant again for a 4th time our baby number 4. I was less than excited as a fear flooded my body those first few weeks I prayed to make it to the safe zone but alas 8 weeks along I came home from work and my body was yet again bleeding.i went to the ER that night alone because my husband stayed home with our oldest I sat there in that ER bleeding for almost 8 hours before I was pulled back. Everything was quick from there they pulled me back brought in the ultrasound machine told me my levels had not come back yet. This was even worse than the first two losing a third child my heart was incredibly torn apart. So the doctor inserted the wand and there she was my gorgeous baby she looked just like a gummy bear and her heartbeat was solid and strong. I still remember what the doctor told me that day, Erin this is a different pregnancy than your others and I am confident in a few months you will be holding your baby in your arms.” He was absolutely right and she has brought me more happiness and joy than I can imagine. She completes our family and she is our rainbow after a very long storm. Remember a Rainbow is a symbol of life, happiness, hope, and promise. Hang in there lynelle your not alone. Hugs and a lot of love!!


  6. I could have written this exactly. I too got pregnant right away with my now almost 3 year old son. And in the past year have been trying to get pregnant with no luck. I’ve had two miscarriages and it is the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through. The pain and heartache is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.Hugs to you and I hope you have a new baby to love and cherish soon.

  7. Thankyou for sharing your story. Went through almost the same thing at the same
    Time. Mine started April 25. Spent 15 hrs in the er. Took 15 days for the pain and bleeding to stop. Nice to know your not alone. Even though nobody would wish this on anyone! Took a month of being sad over every newborn and pregnant lady to stop. Well at least tearing up. Hugs!!!!

  8. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. This made me relive my loss all over again. I’m sitting on the couch in tears..

    I’m lucky to say, my rainbow baby is napping in her crib in the next room over. ?? You’ll have your rainbow baby too.

    It’s okay to be angry, mad, bitter, pissed, sad, lonely, devastated. I can’t say the pain ever goes away (look at me here 2 1/2 years later) but it is less painful with time. Chin up love.

  9. My dear sweet momma, I am so sorry for your loss. I too had a similar experience with a quick first pregnancy then it followed withtwo miscarriages. It was deemed I had an estrogen issue and ended up needing fertility pills to get pregnant again. But it’s probably why you got pregnant so quickly after being on BC. I wish you many good prayers during your time of grieving. I planned two trees in remembrance of my George and Elizabeth. May you have love and support for as long as you need it.

  10. I miscarried recently too. It was my second miscarry. my seventh pregnancy. I have 5 kids.I was about 7 weeks with the first, and so when I miscarried this last baby I didn’t expect so much pain. I was 13 and half weeks this time. It was harder then labor, the physical pain was the same as labor, but there was no joy. the emotional pain was awful. I did it all at home, crying.My kids witnessed everything. It was horrible, But for me I trust that God is in control. His wisdom surpasses mine, so I had and have comfort in knowing that. I am still grieving as I am sure you are. You most definatly are not alone! Oh and we actually count our miscarried babies in our family. In general conversation it is that we have 5 kids, so we don’t have to rehash the pain with a stranger. But our kids, and family know we have 7, 5 with us and 2 not. But they were here for a short time and always are here in our thoughts and hearts. My heart goes out to you, and I will keep your family in prayer. <3

  11. Hugs momma! Sorry to hear about your sweet baby.

    It’s so surprising how common yet not talked about it is. This just happened to me too. I had the slightest of spotting but I knew it wasn’t right. I went in and there was no heartbeat at 8 weeks. :( we decided to do the pills to help since I too am a teacher and didn’t want any natural miscarrying to happen during the day. The pills worked and I saw the sac pass the night I took them. Everything after was pretty light and easy. 3 weeks later I was gettin a d&c. It was awful. Sudden bleeding and huge clots like the size of my fist. I wasn’t soaking the light but running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Apparently I still had old tissue that never passed.
    Anyway, the emotional stress that dragged out was the worst. I was glad to finally put that behind me and move on. Talking helps for me too even though it’s a weird thing to bring up. There are constant reminders :(( and the baby announcements that came out for my birth month, October, are like little knives and make the anger flair up.

    Hugs again…
    I’m hoping that we can get that rainbow baby that we long for!

  12. Lynelle, sending you the biggest hugs. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is absolutely crushing and I would never wish it on anyone. We have lost three and I can agree with everything in your post. The physical pain is hard, but the emotional pain is the worst.

  13. I am so sorry for your loss Lynelle. The pain of a miscarriage is something that too many have felt and not enough know about. I hope that as time passes you find comfort and solace in knowing that you have helped others feel less alone by putting your experience in words that thousands are reading. We experienced a loss after several years of infertility so I know what you are feeling right now. We wrote our story down to help others learn about miscarriage and the pain of infertility: Many hugs and prayers for you and your family.

  14. I am so very sorry for your loss. My miscarriage sounds very similar to yours. The two main differences being I was told it was a threatened miscarriage and I didn’t actually miscarry for three weeks. I really got my hopes up that everything would be ok. It was our first pregnancy after trying for three years :( The second difference – I was in complete denial. I stayed at home for most of my miscarriage, too scared to move from the toilet. So much blood. By the time the clots started I was passing out and my husband demanded we go to the hospital. I had to tell at least 7 different people I was losing my baby. They kept asking why I was there. Hospital policy or something. When I woke up from the D&C I was relieved not to be in the maternity ward. I was out in the gynae/oncology ward instead with about six elderly women. I must have seemed so rude as I couldn’t answer their questions because I couldn’t stop crying.

    The next four or so months are a blur of major depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Losing that baby changed me forever. I still get sad every year on June 11th, yesterday for us in Australia, but it has gotten a lot better over the years. It was 13 years ago now. I got pregnant 6 months later and had the most beautiful boy in the world. He wouldn’t be here if that baby had survived and I can’t imagine my life without my son. That helps a lot. We had three more successful pregnancies after that, and I panicked with each one.

    To outsiders, miscarriage is just a small thing you should get over quickly. When in reality it is life changing.

    Really big hugs to you. I hope you have a wonderful support system. I didn’t and refused to see anyone about how I was feeling. I regret that now.

  15. I can’t believe I’m reading this because this happened to me just a couple of weeks before you. Down to the false hope ultrasound. I learned hat so many people just never talk about this. We are back to trying again, but I really still can’t believe this happened to me. Lots of love to you and your loves.

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