A tiny placenta print

How does one measure love?

Certainly not based on the size of a placenta, but in my case, it’s all I have left of my baby. 15 weeks in my belly, 8 weeks in heaven; my heart will never be whole again but I wouldn’t give back this time for the world.

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#paxbaby #paxmama #paxmommy #pregnancyloss #pregnancy #placentaprint #imissmybaby #bb8 #justonemorebabyd #happybutsad

Big family chat

What a mom of many needs to survive – other than a good baby carrier (or 2!)
Determination
Grace
Strength
Sense of humor
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Without these, it would be impossible to overcome the obstacles of extreme sleep deprivation, anxiety, breastfeeding issues… Next time you see a mom with many small children, offer to push her cart, hold her groceries, open her car door. Your kind gesture or word could make her day!
 
My husband and I have heard every “joke” in the book about the size of our family, and the only purpose that the negative comments serve is to reinforce why our world needs gentle refocusing on what’s truly important. Do we know what causes this? Yes, shall I explain it to you? Do we own a TV? Yes, although we rarely watch it. Do we plan on having more children? Yes, God willing! Are we millionaires to afford our family? No, we live frugally within our means. How will we send each child to college? We don’t plan to, but each child may choose to attend continuing education classes if they so desire. How do we do it? Juggling, it’s ALL about the juggling! family picture april 2016
I truly will never understand why a stranger would think it’s respectable to discuss our state of financial status any more than it is proper to be discussing where babies come from on the sidewalk with a neighbor. I rarely get peevish, but for this topic, I beg you, please just tell us moms of many how beautiful our children are, how well behaved (if applicable!) and leave the snarky comments, rude jokes and blatant stares at home! Or say nothing at all but offer up a prayer because that mama will need it today, guaranteed!!!
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Silver Linings

When Laura, owner of MJ Baby Carriers, asked me what name I wanted to call PAXbaby’s first MJ PAXexclusive baby carrier, I had to choose the PERFECT moniker! The raindrop theme and bright colors seemed ideal to convey a sense of hope and continued sunny outlook on life, and Silver Lining is exactly that!!!! Interestingly, this carrier would represent an immense shift in my real life. Our photoshoot featuring #babycate was the last time Cate would latch and breastfeed before I lost my milk due to our lost pregnancy. These photos were unintentionally the end of an era and the beginning of an amazing journey that I will never forget. I am immensely grateful to PAXtographer Allie for capturing our very last breastfeeding bond, and to Laura at MJ Baby Carriers for giving PAXbaby the opportunity to create a beautiful carrier that would carry the torch and inspire babywearing parents everywhere that while you will never forget, you will get stronger and you WILL carry on!

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*happy babywearing*

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Mother Earth babywearing

A lovely French friend, Marie Viral, said these thoughts about PAXmommy Jillian’s “rings on the back” high front carry in a ring sling :

I’ve been “thinking about this reptilian baby position on the wearer! The baby is less active in his self body support as his body is not vertical; your baby’s body contacts fully with you.  It’s a beautiful way to {represent} babywearing as The Mother Earth, stimulating your baby reptilian instinct. {This position is} very safe with the mom’s body to relieve the gravity pressure on this baby body. This position is a good solution for hypotonic babies, {because} it automatically helps some babies’ needs with possible bad effects from the gravity influence.”

Translated by PAXmommy Jillian from Marie’s comment on this photograph of #babycate at 3 weeks in our Easycare Ring Sling.

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*happy babywearing*
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easycare cate 3 weeks first work

Different

To those who aren’t who they want to be.What they want to be. Where they want be. How they want to be.

To those who envisioned their life differently. In a different location perhaps. In a different state of mind. In a different physical body.

To all those who were wishing and hoping but your wishes and hopes didn’t come true or fell through or were forgotten while tending to others’ needs and wants.

To all those have been counting on being, having, feeling, doing something different in some way, in any way.

Standing over here, looking into your every day, I can’t see the full picture; I can’t explain why or what or how or when.

Standing over here, looking into your every day, I only see my own reflection, mirrored in the quiet sorrow in your eyes as you play sweetly with your children. My own reflection caught as still as a photograph, doing a mundane task, tears streaming down your face as you take a moment to grieve alone. My own reflection, a twin to your own emptiness, a twin to your own void, a twin to your own infinite pit of abject sorrow and intense anger. What have you lost? A lost world, a lost soul, a lost life, a lost year, a lost month, week, day, hour, minute…. LOST.

Today I sit poolside, sipping my lemon water, listening to the palm trees sway in the wind and in this quiet moment by myself I am allowed to imagine how this day would have should have could have been. A round belly protruding over my bikini bottom instead of post partum love handles. A blissful list of baby names rotating through my head.  A proud expression on my face as someone asks me how many children I have. “8!” I could have said while rubbing my tummy happily.  What a lovely moment spent thinking about my would have should have could have, and then… my children are here and fill the space with shouting, laughing, crying, splashing, eating, jumping, swimming, being, and my thoughts are turned again to focus on the here and now. The reality in front of me. Tangible, incredible, magical, these small beings who fill my every minute with themselves. How well they keep my mind occupied to have these thoughts often, and and how well they keep me too busy to stand and look into your every day, but believe me, I feel your sadness and recognize your hurt. Your life, like mine, will continue. Your world, like mine, will slowly begin to spin again. You will wonder how it is that you’re back in the swing of things, back in the saddle, and back on the road; you will wonder how it is that your life has been so changed and yet, that’s okay. It’s just DIFFERENT.

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*happy babywearing*

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Seasons of Love

“How do you measure a season of love??? 525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes….”
When I think about how many minutes and moments PAXdaddy Aaron and I have spent together over our 17 years of marriage, my only wish is that I could remember each and every memory; the more time passes and the more experiences we’ve had, the more that the good, the bad, and the ugly fade together into one sweet dream. So many hours and days and weeks, months and years we’ve spent together cultivating our personal garden. Each of our amazing children are growing as trees with fruit to nourish us as parents. As each year passes and our trees mature, we are enjoying so much abundant harvest from our personal garden! The seeds were sown with love and care years ago, and now we get to sit back, enjoy the shade and munch on some amazing produce! I’m not saying that it’s all been one long honeymoon; we’ve experienced a blight in the orchard and a few insect infestations, but our life together has been so blessed! With sunshine, Vitamin D, compassion, and communication, I’ve watched our tiny tendrils sprout and stretch into a blissful garden of Eden! Happy anniversary to the love of my life, my personal gardener, and the one who makes ALL our lives go ’round! Here’s to our past 17 years and 17 more, Aaron!

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Jack is BACK!

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Everyone’s favorite skeleton man is returning to PAXbaby, and our Pumpkin King is more handsome than ever! Please welcome back Halloween Town’s undead hero and comment HERE for the chance to buy a Jack wrap before we even STOCK, lock, or barrel! Scoring a Fast Pass is the quickest way for you to get what you want; comment here at our PAXblog with your PAXaccount email address (we will keep your comment confidential) and FIVE lucky winners will be chosen at random to pay NOW for their choice of wrap length or ring sling. As soon as our boxes are unloaded and accounted for, the winning Jacks will be in Santa’s sack and on their way to you!!! “Just because I cannot see it doesn’t mean I can’t believe it;” Jack is on his way!
Watch for an email from help@PAXbaby.com by Sunday night, June 26th at midnight PST, and then click on through to get dibs on PAXbaby’s rerelease!

FAST PASS dibs here! Sign up below! All you need to do is comment for the chance to roll snake eyes and take Jack home for yourself!

Pricing is as follows – USA shipping is free; International shipping is additional and CA sales tax will be applied as necessary :

Size 7 –  5.2 meters – $205

Size 7 –  5.2 2nds meters – $195

Size 6 –  4.6 meters – $195

Size 5 –  4.2 meters – $185

Size 4 –  3.6 meters – $175

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*happy babywearing*

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Farewell, PAXmommy Christina!

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It’s been a lovely, busy and amazing 4 years working with PAXmommy Christina! She first asked me about being part of the PAXbaby team on a sunny afternoon while we were watching our baby boys climb clumsily on a local playground. I needed the help so I accepted her invitation gladly, and it’s been non stop fun since! A zillion birthday parties, pedicures, BBQs, new babies, and late night work sessions later, it’s time for us to say goodbye to PAXmommy Christina and let her her spread her wings! She is a doula, Bradley instructor and placenta encapsulator when she’s not being a full time mama to 4 little ones and has touched many with her beautiful presence!
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Thank you, Christina, for gracing PAXbaby.com with your steady peace, your constant patience, your loving nature and your deep babywearing knowledge. We will miss you, we love you, and we can’t wait to see where your bright wings take you!
With love, jillian and the PAXmoms

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*happy babywearing*

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Join PAXbaby’s WHY NOT campaign!!

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Why stop with ONE wrap when you can have TWO! Mention the code WHYNOT to your order notes to receive a FREE woven wrap {of our choice size and brand} when you check out TODAY (until midnight PST) for a GIRASOL, Tekhni, KoKaDi, or BB Slen woven wrap!!!! Because…. WHY NOT?????

Here’s the link again if you need it; happy shopping!

*While supplies last!

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-why not campaign

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*happy babywearing*

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Wonderful news for PAXbaby!

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It is with an overflowing heart and joyful song that I am writing this blog post! As each of my babies has been born and grows so quickly into a small person, I wonder, “Is this my last baby? Will this be the last time I experience the wonderment of birth, the satisfaction of bringing new life into the world, and the plethora of firsts that come along with a new soul here on earth?!?!” After #babycate was born, 28 months ago, I felt a deep sadness that I talked of frequently; I tried to assuage my depression with the thought “I can’t wait to see who you become.” And after time, I was able to focus more and more positively on that mantra. As much as I wanted to be pregnant again, to hold my own newborn in my arms again, to watch another of my own babies grow and thrive and flourish under my constant care, I understood that if Cate were truly my last, I could be content with my seven amazing children. What else could I possibly want? Last week, that question was answered. Just One More Baby.

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I have learned so much about mourning and grieving the children I currently mother every day all day. All the reasons I should not and will not again fall down that rabbit hole of sadness. This pregnancy and birth and baby may absolutely be my LAST, but I will rejoice at each milestone, at each inch grown, and at each step taken! I will not again allow myself to be tortured by the might, probably and maybes that sneak into my head. This could absolutely be the last baby I carry in my womb and birth from my own strength, but that is okay! Because I trust that everything that might and could happen, will. That everything that is supposed and predestined, will. That nothing is an accident. That there is a reason for everything. And this, Baby #8 aka #JustOneMoreBabyD, is the absolute consequence in trusting, believing, and allowing life to happen as it should.
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JOM announcement Collage

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*happy babywearing*

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