Bonding doesn’t have to cost money.
I’m not sure when I realized we had a problem but once I noticed it suddenly seemed to be a really big problem.
Our children kept asking to have one on one time with me or their daddy but it was always something like go get ice cream, go shopping for a new toy, head to the donut shop, or go see a movie.
Sure, we loved doing those things with our kids and it was fun to do as a special way to spend time together. But it suddenly seemed as though our kids wanted to spend time with us just to get the treat, not necessarily to be with us.
Not to mention it was expensive and we had things to do like housework and exercise and cooking.
We had inadvertently created an expectation that in order for time together to be special or meaningful, we had to spend money, eat out, have sugar. Those things are fine but they aren’t the only way to have meaningful shared experiences. Expecting that meant we were all missing out on building connection in the day to day, we weren’t seeing that is wasn’t just what we were doing that made something special, it was that we were doing it together.
We decided we had to do better and we had to change things.
We decided to look for ways to connect one on one in the day to day.
With enthusiasm, I suggested how about we do the dishes together? Or work in the garden? Go for a walk? Make a meal together?
Not surprisingly, my ideas were met with… reluctance.
And disgust.
I can’t say I blame them. A movie or ice cream does sound way more fun.
Plus, I absolutely hate doing the dishes.
Still, I persisted.
We’ve been dirt poor broke and found that the most mundane tasks could be enjoyable if in the company of the person/people we enjoy being with the most. Many of our “dates” are taking care of responsibilities together, I love to cook with my partner, to have him sit and talk with me while I feed our baby, to work side by side in the yard. Some of our most meaningful connecting times have happened doing chores together more than going out to eat or to see a movie.
Applying that experience, we gave it a go.
Gardening, sorting through clothes, laundry, tackling the sock box, dishes, scrubbing the bathtub, going for walks, building a headboard, sweeping and mopping sing-a-longs, baking bread, etc., turned out to be great ways to share together. The company made the task pleasurable and the pride and sense of accomplishment in our productivity was sweeter than ice cream.
It has taken time and practice to be comfortable with doing work together and considering it special time together but years later, we have found that we enjoy a wide variety of experiences together.
Even dishes.
We still do those experiences that cost a little money and involve sugar, big screens, and eating out. Those are still fun and will always be special. But they aren’t as frequent and they aren’t our only option.
Today the 7yo came home and expressed how she was torn between getting to spend some one on one time with me doing dishes or going with daddy to do grocery shopping. Not a word about getting ice cream or going to see a movie.
We had so much fun doing dishes we even took a selfie to document the experience.
~Jessica
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