To those who aren’t who they want to be.What they want to be. Where they want be. How they want to be.
To those who envisioned their life differently. In a different location perhaps. In a different state of mind. In a different physical body.
To all those who were wishing and hoping but your wishes and hopes didn’t come true or fell through or were forgotten while tending to others’ needs and wants.
To all those have been counting on being, having, feeling, doing something different in some way, in any way.
Standing over here, looking into your every day, I can’t see the full picture; I can’t explain why or what or how or when.
Standing over here, looking into your every day, I only see my own reflection, mirrored in the quiet sorrow in your eyes as you play sweetly with your children. My own reflection caught as still as a photograph, doing a mundane task, tears streaming down your face as you take a moment to grieve alone. My own reflection, a twin to your own emptiness, a twin to your own void, a twin to your own infinite pit of abject sorrow and intense anger. What have you lost? A lost world, a lost soul, a lost life, a lost year, a lost month, week, day, hour, minute…. LOST.
Today I sit poolside, sipping my lemon water, listening to the palm trees sway in the wind and in this quiet moment by myself I am allowed to imagine how this day would have should have could have been. A round belly protruding over my bikini bottom instead of post partum love handles. A blissful list of baby names rotating through my head. A proud expression on my face as someone asks me how many children I have. “8!” I could have said while rubbing my tummy happily. What a lovely moment spent thinking about my would have should have could have, and then… my children are here and fill the space with shouting, laughing, crying, splashing, eating, jumping, swimming, being, and my thoughts are turned again to focus on the here and now. The reality in front of me. Tangible, incredible, magical, these small beings who fill my every minute with themselves. How well they keep my mind occupied to have these thoughts often, and and how well they keep me too busy to stand and look into your every day, but believe me, I feel your sadness and recognize your hurt. Your life, like mine, will continue. Your world, like mine, will slowly begin to spin again. You will wonder how it is that you’re back in the swing of things, back in the saddle, and back on the road; you will wonder how it is that your life has been so changed and yet, that’s okay. It’s just DIFFERENT.
paxbaby
paxbaby
paxbaby
